Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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