Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
