At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
