that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
