I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
