At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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