Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
