Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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