All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
