I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
