I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I forget how to act sober
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
