OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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