what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
