Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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