Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
