Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
