This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
