Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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