I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
