From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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