I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
