i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
