Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
