how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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