Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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