I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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