Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
