I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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