Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
