Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
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Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize