I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
