I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
