This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
