nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
