I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
