you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
