he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
