Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this just has baby written all over it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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