Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
