She is in my trunk
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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