I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
