dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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