We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
