I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
