turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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