3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
farters have to be the big spoon...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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