see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
