I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
