Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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