i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
