That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
