You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
