My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
