You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
