you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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