sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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